Saturday, May 16, 2009

It's late and my mind is too full to sleep.

It's 11:30 at night.On a Saturday no less.Church in the morning.However my mind is rushing at 90 mph and I can't sleep.I was so sure of life a few months ago and now I'm sure that I am not sure about anything. I know a few things in my life are solid and will remain so.However, today Rae made a crack comment about me being in a bad mood all week. I didn't think I had been. In fact I thought I've been a in a fairly good mood with seeing Shawnie on Tuesday and Beth, and other CYTers last night at Beth birthday party.But dad actually agreed with her. Said no so much bad mood but depressed. I know I have a lot on my mind right now with college but I've actually been pretty happy this last week. So I don't know. I've been working out and being a bit of hermit when not at work or with friends. I want thinking and praying time. I have some major decisions on my plate and am clueless as what to do with them.

I can be fairly certain of what is plaguing me so badly. Partly fear. Not of the future but certainty of it I guess. I thought what I knew to be true and it was wrong in some ways. I want to make sure I making the right decisions. I feel my heart being lead in a direction no expected or really likes the thought of.My mom told me she wouldn't like it because of distance and stuff, but that she would support me. I just want to make sure this isn't my impulsive fool-hardiness. I am often ruled by what I am feeling at the moment. It often gets me in trouble. I can be logical but it takes restraint and prayer to figure out decisions. Yes I admit it.I am incredibly dumb and head strong and impatient. I thought for sure my life was going another direction. There was a small crack of openness, but I choose not to pry it open and move on.Now I have a decision between what would be perfectly ideal and what might be what would be best for me. I know I am making very little sense right now. I thought the 1st college would be the best alternative since plan A didn't work out. I automatically said, "Wow!That would work perfectly! That would make everything fall into place and just be excellent!" Now I gave it more thought I'm not so sure. My second current choice would be a huge difference for me and much further away. It would be very hard and stretch me a lot as person to be on my own like that. Just cause I want to go there doesn't mean it'll happen. Already found that one out.I thought once things started falling in place they'd be a tiny bit easier but now I'm more confused then ever. This coming week I have a ton of phone calls to make and a desperate attempt to sort this all out. I want everything sent in and done before I go on vacation to see my brother June 1st. I just wish I could get a clear sign here. Oh well
Megan

Friday, May 8, 2009

I Love God. :)

That simple.God is too cool. If this makes no sense this being wrote late at night.

On Tuesday I spent the day with my old youth directors Josh and Amy.Josh works nights so he sleeps most of the day.So Amy and I watched movies and hung out.After Josh got up,the three of us talked for quite some time. They helped with a lot! I realized if I did not get stuff squared away with Rachel over other stuff and that was a core problem. I still had problems with Chuck's past but my core problem was Rachel. When I saw Chuck and Rachel on Wednesday the three of us sat and talked. I told Chuck that my main problem, was everything that happened while she was in Pennsylvania. Everything I needed her for, and she let me down by being gone. The ice storm, my plays, and other family issues. There was times I wondered what kind of family Rae would be coming home to. Rae, Chuck, and I talked for quite a bit. Chuck looked at me and let me know if I did move to Springfield, or with in a day drive, he would have her there as soon as he could. If I really needed her that badly. That meant more to me than anything. That helped my mood and my relationship with Rae, cause it helped open up conversation with the two of us. My being mad at Chuck had hindered their relationship even as friends. Cause they are not serious right now. Only friends, who really like each other. I guess Chuck has been struggling with stuff because my being mad at him, was hurting him so bad emtionally. Well Wednesday at Church I was able to talk with Pastor about my desire to have a drama ministries, and I am getting college worked out. Chuck also got family stuff work out Wednesday after church as well. Then tonight I lead the devotion for the Bible study. It went really well! God is amazing on how much stuff is falling into place and going incredible! It is too cool! I am in AWE of God right now.Too tired to write anymore.Have to come back and fix it later. Love you all.
Megan!