Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)
*cracks nuckles...Pepare for a llllllloooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg post!*
*I've learned alot this year...But for you to understand you need to read what has been going on in this last year....*
In this past year I have lost and gained friends.I have lost time with family and friends.I have felt so much grief.I can't believe how much one thing after another has hit me. Any more it feels like I am alone.When I was younger I was care free and everything was always okey-dokey. Nothing could ever go wrong.Christmas was all about the ribbons,bows, and packages under the tree.Now that I look back what made it so great was the family time. Sitting around the table spending most of Christmas day eating and playing card/board games with my cousins and laughing until I couldn't breath. Not this year.Even though we got together for thanksgiving since Grandma and Grandpa weren't there cause of Grandma being sick it wasn't the same.Plus we had several people missing due to being in college.My sister included.This year for christmas it is going to be totally different.My sister will be home but everything else will be different.Grandma will be doing chemo and can't be around anyone.Also we aren't doing presents this year which is going to be extreamly weird.The Higginbotham family probably won't get together at all.
We also go to Branson every year around Christmas time.Either the week before or the week after.Guess what.Not going this year.So much is happening...changing...Everything is different.Its not that I hate change.Change can be good,but stuff like this....Its scary.I trade anything to have everything back to normal...Some things I can't have go back to normal.Like my sister being college.I know she belongs there,but I wish other things were different.
I love my friends but at the moment I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I have one friend on this side who is mad at me all the time any more and I have no idea why...Well I do but at things I can't control. I just wish she would cut me some slack and understand life happens...Stuff happens that are out of our control.In other words she was counting on going to Branson with me in a month and we can't go and she already got the permission from her parents and the time off work. I told her that plans weren't final and she just needed to think about going.I never said we were 100% going. My other friend I'm around constantly..Well...She has different veiws on life and we don't always see eye to eye on beliefs.I can talk to her about thing and she always listens but I know I need..How do I say this...More Christian like advice. I have tons of friends at CYT but I'm in St.jo and they are all over the KC area,so we are only together for CYT events. I know I can call them when ever I need to and that is a relief but I wish I could have them right here to sit and hug me as I cry.
I go to a small church and we go to it because of the beliefs they have.It matches ours.But everyone there is much younger than me or adults.Ok ok ok ok...You should go to church to worship but I wish I had some church friends that I could really relay on.I know I need to trust God more but even Jesus while on Earth choose a group of friends to be around.Is it wrong to want Christian companions to be around when I can't be around my CYT friends?*sigh*
My mom has to stay working for her hospital for a few more years cause they are paying for her schooling.By then hopefully I will be in college full time.We orginally moved here due to my parents jobs.After my mom is finished she wants to move.We have no family keeping us here. So to be honest after I'm done with college I am seriously wondering if I will ever return to Saint Joe.I don't know where God wants me,but I do know what I am going to do with my life.Kids and teens are going to be my life.I baby sit atleast 2 times a week and love being around all the lil kids in CYT. The love it when I sit and play with them.I enjoy it.
This next part is strictly self pitty.All my friends my age are dating or have dated recently.I feel left out and sit and wonder what's wrong with me.*deep breath*I'm stepping on a limb here*When I was younger....I had a bad experiance with a guy who was 5 years older than me.I was attacked by him...I was shy and some times down right scared to be around guys.Only in this past year did I come to grasp how much it really did shatter me. I had nightmares about HIM coming back for me for the longest time.Well..They went away and they came back last week.I was at CYT when it happened.I fell asleep at the lock-in and woke up crying.My friends asked what was wrong and I couldn't bring myself to tell them at that moment about...Well..Why I was crying. Something that night at CYT had triggered the nightmares.
So now I blame myself and kick myself all the time when I have the chance ot be around decent guys (like at CYT for ex.) and I feel like such an idiot when I start panicking over the littlest things around guys I know for A FACT WILL NOT hurt me.I'm afraid its something I will fight for quite a while....But I know I am going to be ok and when God brings along the right guy he will be so perfect for me nothing about him will trigger memories.The waiting is what is frustrating.Especially when I see my friends going on dates all the time and flirting with guys left and right and able to get guys attnetion with a snap of their fingers as I stand there quietly.
OK!So onto the point..In everything that has happened recently and to me in my life I have learned alot...All of this that you have just read is going in the book that I am working on.Hoping to inspire girls to not be afraid to step up and do the right thing when its the hardest.How to stay strong and make it through the toughest times in life.God has brought me through so much and is going to continue watching over me and helping me make it through life.
So My ONE Chtristmas wish for this year if nothing else is that you got something out this and I touched your life some how.
"Hate always has a reason..Love is unreasonable."
Always,
Meg Renee
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
A Rollercoaster!...Look Ma!No hands!
My life has been up &down,up&down...Great news one moment,horrible the next!
Thought I'd shead a lil light on my family for this first part......
Feel sorry for my parents!My mom is working full time and being a full time student as she works on her bacherlors in nursing,She already a LPN but her work is pushing for everyone to become a RN so she is back in school.She has one year left!Whew!Been a long last few years.She does a lot.
My dad is a retired air-force mechanic as I said in my last post but he is far from actually retired.He is a mechanic for choach buses that go where in the country needed,including Branson.=) I heard all about how there was 10 some buses a few weeks ago down there and how he did not feel like driving all the way to Branson to fix a window on one of the buses.Thankfully he didn't have to go and was able ot head to bed early that night.lol!
On December 18th I turn the big 1-8! officialy an adult! With my sister in PA I was hoping I would be able to go out there her last week of school before Christmas break and spend my birthday week with her.No such luck.Dratz! That was very disappointing.But however she will be home Dec. 21st.
I am currently making a C in my College Bio-101 class but I think I will be able to pull out with a solid B or even an A!the final exam is Dec. 12th! Oh joy...lol!
Things are getting better about people telling me about my priorities.What made it so hard was it was my sunday school teachers! Two ladies I deeply trusted..They thought it was taking me away from church and not doing an ounce of good!.....But however things are simmiring down and I think worked out. Yay! :-)
I have had a pretty interesting life so far for a senior in highschool and I have had some hard times before I even had my permit....Well I have decided to go through and turn my many poems and journals (that I have filled to the max in the last few years) and use them to write a book for teen girls and include devotion entries.Include Bible verses that have helped me get through the nightmares and heartaches....I'll keep everyone posted about it and post chapters as I get it done.Wish me luck!
"God gave us memories so that we may have roses in December!"
~Megan Renee
Thought I'd shead a lil light on my family for this first part......
Feel sorry for my parents!My mom is working full time and being a full time student as she works on her bacherlors in nursing,She already a LPN but her work is pushing for everyone to become a RN so she is back in school.She has one year left!Whew!Been a long last few years.She does a lot.
My dad is a retired air-force mechanic as I said in my last post but he is far from actually retired.He is a mechanic for choach buses that go where in the country needed,including Branson.=) I heard all about how there was 10 some buses a few weeks ago down there and how he did not feel like driving all the way to Branson to fix a window on one of the buses.Thankfully he didn't have to go and was able ot head to bed early that night.lol!
On December 18th I turn the big 1-8! officialy an adult! With my sister in PA I was hoping I would be able to go out there her last week of school before Christmas break and spend my birthday week with her.No such luck.Dratz! That was very disappointing.But however she will be home Dec. 21st.
I am currently making a C in my College Bio-101 class but I think I will be able to pull out with a solid B or even an A!the final exam is Dec. 12th! Oh joy...lol!
Things are getting better about people telling me about my priorities.What made it so hard was it was my sunday school teachers! Two ladies I deeply trusted..They thought it was taking me away from church and not doing an ounce of good!.....But however things are simmiring down and I think worked out. Yay! :-)
I have had a pretty interesting life so far for a senior in highschool and I have had some hard times before I even had my permit....Well I have decided to go through and turn my many poems and journals (that I have filled to the max in the last few years) and use them to write a book for teen girls and include devotion entries.Include Bible verses that have helped me get through the nightmares and heartaches....I'll keep everyone posted about it and post chapters as I get it done.Wish me luck!
"God gave us memories so that we may have roses in December!"
~Megan Renee
Saturday, November 10, 2007
A Movie
Hey everyone...I titled this post A Movie cause my life is like a movie....Then next time it'll probably be music,or a rollercoaster or something like that.Think ya' got the hint of where I'm going with this.
I say a movie cause I mean how many of us sit and watch these movies where the hero/main character has great odds to over come and they do.Well this past months I felt like I could write one of those feel goood scripts off of my life.
Getting used to my sister being in Pennsylavania and my brother being gonne all year around due the Navy just as I get used to having my dad home all the time since hes retired from the milatary...Every time I turn around something new is popping up trying to dappen my joy and my happiness.I posted a blog on myspace (www.myspace.com/megzrenee17) and one of my friends made the comment they were so surprised when they read that cause I was always so cheerful.I don't think so but I guess I pull it off so well people usually take it for granet that I have any problems.Ha! I wish.I'm currently working on finishing up highschool and working on college classes.I have a variety of extra activities.Piano lessons,CYT,horse back riding etc.
Well people are trying to tell me I have my priorities all screwed up and what I am doing is unexceptable cause I will never use theatre forever and its a waste of my time.EXCUSE ME! I want to be a drama teacher at camps and stuff for troubled and underprivaleged kids.I want to go into physcology for my major and a minor in journalism and drama ministries.Use my writings/poetry and drama skills to help reach out to kids.I want to leave a mark on this world for the betterment of the world.....Yet people are trying to tell me that its useless and I DON'T need drama to do my Christian Conceling and stuff...As I said....EXCUSE ME!
I have a chance to get some great opportunities through my acting. It has taught me so much! Especially with my first lead in Snow White as 'Crone'.It taught me so much how to be a leader and how to be someone who is so busy wit htheir own role and lines yet knows how to watch out for everyone else.
Anm I wrong in feeling this way or is it all pride? What do you think? Care to share some thoughts?Love to here some! Feel free to comment!
We will see how this "movie" plays it self out as I audition for Suessical the Musical and the next semister of CYT comes up.Its SHOW TIME!
Sit back and watch it unfold...Here we go....Let the adventure begin....
Quote of the Week, "It's kinda fun to do the impossible."~Walt Disney
Always,
Meg Renee
I say a movie cause I mean how many of us sit and watch these movies where the hero/main character has great odds to over come and they do.Well this past months I felt like I could write one of those feel goood scripts off of my life.
Getting used to my sister being in Pennsylavania and my brother being gonne all year around due the Navy just as I get used to having my dad home all the time since hes retired from the milatary...Every time I turn around something new is popping up trying to dappen my joy and my happiness.I posted a blog on myspace (www.myspace.com/megzrenee17) and one of my friends made the comment they were so surprised when they read that cause I was always so cheerful.I don't think so but I guess I pull it off so well people usually take it for granet that I have any problems.Ha! I wish.I'm currently working on finishing up highschool and working on college classes.I have a variety of extra activities.Piano lessons,CYT,horse back riding etc.
Well people are trying to tell me I have my priorities all screwed up and what I am doing is unexceptable cause I will never use theatre forever and its a waste of my time.EXCUSE ME! I want to be a drama teacher at camps and stuff for troubled and underprivaleged kids.I want to go into physcology for my major and a minor in journalism and drama ministries.Use my writings/poetry and drama skills to help reach out to kids.I want to leave a mark on this world for the betterment of the world.....Yet people are trying to tell me that its useless and I DON'T need drama to do my Christian Conceling and stuff...As I said....EXCUSE ME!
I have a chance to get some great opportunities through my acting. It has taught me so much! Especially with my first lead in Snow White as 'Crone'.It taught me so much how to be a leader and how to be someone who is so busy wit htheir own role and lines yet knows how to watch out for everyone else.
Anm I wrong in feeling this way or is it all pride? What do you think? Care to share some thoughts?Love to here some! Feel free to comment!
We will see how this "movie" plays it self out as I audition for Suessical the Musical and the next semister of CYT comes up.Its SHOW TIME!
Sit back and watch it unfold...Here we go....Let the adventure begin....
Quote of the Week, "It's kinda fun to do the impossible."~Walt Disney
Always,
Meg Renee
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