It's late and my mind is too full to sleep.

It's 11:30 at night.On a Saturday no less.Church in the morning.However my mind is rushing at 90 mph and I can't sleep.I was so sure of life a few months ago and now I'm sure that I am not sure about anything. I know a few things in my life are solid and will remain so.However, today Rae made a crack comment about me being in a bad mood all week. I didn't think I had been. In fact I thought I've been a in a fairly good mood with seeing Shawnie on Tuesday and Beth, and other CYTers last night at Beth birthday party.But dad actually agreed with her. Said no so much bad mood but depressed. I know I have a lot on my mind right now with college but I've actually been pretty happy this last week. So I don't know. I've been working out and being a bit of hermit when not at work or with friends. I want thinking and praying time. I have some major decisions on my plate and am clueless as what to do with them.

I can be fairly certain of what is plaguing me so badly. Partly fear. Not of the future but certainty of it I guess. I thought what I knew to be true and it was wrong in some ways. I want to make sure I making the right decisions. I feel my heart being lead in a direction no expected or really likes the thought of.My mom told me she wouldn't like it because of distance and stuff, but that she would support me. I just want to make sure this isn't my impulsive fool-hardiness. I am often ruled by what I am feeling at the moment. It often gets me in trouble. I can be logical but it takes restraint and prayer to figure out decisions. Yes I admit it.I am incredibly dumb and head strong and impatient. I thought for sure my life was going another direction. There was a small crack of openness, but I choose not to pry it open and move on.Now I have a decision between what would be perfectly ideal and what might be what would be best for me. I know I am making very little sense right now. I thought the 1st college would be the best alternative since plan A didn't work out. I automatically said, "Wow!That would work perfectly! That would make everything fall into place and just be excellent!" Now I gave it more thought I'm not so sure. My second current choice would be a huge difference for me and much further away. It would be very hard and stretch me a lot as person to be on my own like that. Just cause I want to go there doesn't mean it'll happen. Already found that one out.I thought once things started falling in place they'd be a tiny bit easier but now I'm more confused then ever. This coming week I have a ton of phone calls to make and a desperate attempt to sort this all out. I want everything sent in and done before I go on vacation to see my brother June 1st. I just wish I could get a clear sign here. Oh well
Megan