Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)
*cracks nuckles...Pepare for a llllllloooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg post!*
*I've learned alot this year...But for you to understand you need to read what has been going on in this last year....*
In this past year I have lost and gained friends.I have lost time with family and friends.I have felt so much grief.I can't believe how much one thing after another has hit me. Any more it feels like I am alone.When I was younger I was care free and everything was always okey-dokey. Nothing could ever go wrong.Christmas was all about the ribbons,bows, and packages under the tree.Now that I look back what made it so great was the family time. Sitting around the table spending most of Christmas day eating and playing card/board games with my cousins and laughing until I couldn't breath. Not this year.Even though we got together for thanksgiving since Grandma and Grandpa weren't there cause of Grandma being sick it wasn't the same.Plus we had several people missing due to being in college.My sister included.This year for christmas it is going to be totally different.My sister will be home but everything else will be different.Grandma will be doing chemo and can't be around anyone.Also we aren't doing presents this year which is going to be extreamly weird.The Higginbotham family probably won't get together at all.
We also go to Branson every year around Christmas time.Either the week before or the week after.Guess what.Not going this year.So much is happening...changing...Everything is different.Its not that I hate change.Change can be good,but stuff like this....Its scary.I trade anything to have everything back to normal...Some things I can't have go back to normal.Like my sister being college.I know she belongs there,but I wish other things were different.
I love my friends but at the moment I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I have one friend on this side who is mad at me all the time any more and I have no idea why...Well I do but at things I can't control. I just wish she would cut me some slack and understand life happens...Stuff happens that are out of our control.In other words she was counting on going to Branson with me in a month and we can't go and she already got the permission from her parents and the time off work. I told her that plans weren't final and she just needed to think about going.I never said we were 100% going. My other friend I'm around constantly..Well...She has different veiws on life and we don't always see eye to eye on beliefs.I can talk to her about thing and she always listens but I know I need..How do I say this...More Christian like advice. I have tons of friends at CYT but I'm in St.jo and they are all over the KC area,so we are only together for CYT events. I know I can call them when ever I need to and that is a relief but I wish I could have them right here to sit and hug me as I cry.
I go to a small church and we go to it because of the beliefs they have.It matches ours.But everyone there is much younger than me or adults.Ok ok ok ok...You should go to church to worship but I wish I had some church friends that I could really relay on.I know I need to trust God more but even Jesus while on Earth choose a group of friends to be around.Is it wrong to want Christian companions to be around when I can't be around my CYT friends?*sigh*
My mom has to stay working for her hospital for a few more years cause they are paying for her schooling.By then hopefully I will be in college full time.We orginally moved here due to my parents jobs.After my mom is finished she wants to move.We have no family keeping us here. So to be honest after I'm done with college I am seriously wondering if I will ever return to Saint Joe.I don't know where God wants me,but I do know what I am going to do with my life.Kids and teens are going to be my life.I baby sit atleast 2 times a week and love being around all the lil kids in CYT. The love it when I sit and play with them.I enjoy it.
This next part is strictly self pitty.All my friends my age are dating or have dated recently.I feel left out and sit and wonder what's wrong with me.*deep breath*I'm stepping on a limb here*When I was younger....I had a bad experiance with a guy who was 5 years older than me.I was attacked by him...I was shy and some times down right scared to be around guys.Only in this past year did I come to grasp how much it really did shatter me. I had nightmares about HIM coming back for me for the longest time.Well..They went away and they came back last week.I was at CYT when it happened.I fell asleep at the lock-in and woke up crying.My friends asked what was wrong and I couldn't bring myself to tell them at that moment about...Well..Why I was crying. Something that night at CYT had triggered the nightmares.
So now I blame myself and kick myself all the time when I have the chance ot be around decent guys (like at CYT for ex.) and I feel like such an idiot when I start panicking over the littlest things around guys I know for A FACT WILL NOT hurt me.I'm afraid its something I will fight for quite a while....But I know I am going to be ok and when God brings along the right guy he will be so perfect for me nothing about him will trigger memories.The waiting is what is frustrating.Especially when I see my friends going on dates all the time and flirting with guys left and right and able to get guys attnetion with a snap of their fingers as I stand there quietly.
OK!So onto the point..In everything that has happened recently and to me in my life I have learned alot...All of this that you have just read is going in the book that I am working on.Hoping to inspire girls to not be afraid to step up and do the right thing when its the hardest.How to stay strong and make it through the toughest times in life.God has brought me through so much and is going to continue watching over me and helping me make it through life.
So My ONE Chtristmas wish for this year if nothing else is that you got something out this and I touched your life some how.
"Hate always has a reason..Love is unreasonable."
Always,
Meg Renee
7 comments:
It's amazing to read the things that have made you who you are today and to see how easily you write about topics most would consider very painful. But each of those has done exactly that...made you who you are today and I wouldn't have it any other way. It may take time to heal from the trauma you've endured at the hands of a guy, but God is already using it. Once He has helped you master it, you can be a resource for those who are facing the same things. Somewhere out there is the one guy that God has set aside for you. He will protect you and love and you will never have to worry about his intentions. No matter what happens or what you might think at various times, always be able to see him waiting for you. Hold on to that when you are feeling scared. I told you before that I am eager to read your book and that has not changed. Write well!
:-)
Thanks Jason.
God bless!
Well, now, I am happy that I joined the MB!!! I get the chance to know some amazing people. You being one of them.
You touched me, so know that. Here, is something that I haven't told many aside from those who are friends from home. I usually just wait until God gives me a moment to share my story. I'll try not to make it too long!
When I was seven, I was diagnosed with bone cancer. I underwent months of chemo therapy, and an amputation-like procedure on my leg. Only by the grace of God can I say that I am now a 10 year cancer survivor!
Since that time, I have been blessed to return to the hospital, and help over 200 other patients who are walking the path I once did, and share my story, and all God has blessed me with. And, it's a blessing to me each and every day. :)
Last year, something happened that allowed me to relate to you in the most incredible way. Many things in my life also changed. Now, one of these things at a time, were ok, but when so many changed, it just became scary.
Among them were the death of a very Christian friend, the loss of a "I can tell you anything" friendship of 4 years through a betrayal of sorts, my older sister got married, and moved away, and my mom left her job of 32 years. BIG changes.
But, as with you, God has only used thes to allow me to grow in my faith, and teach me to focus daily on what really matters. He delivered me from the fear I had, and left me only with a feeling of strength through Him, that I enjoy every day. I learned for the first time what it really means to know that we are NOT in control, and that our plans are not God's plans.
I could go on and on and on, but I just want to let you know, I understand. I too, am writing a book, about my many life experiences, and how God has blessed me with such an incredible perspective on life, that I would never trade for the world. I look forward to reading yours!
Let your family know they are in my prayers, and know you are too.
If you'd like another Christian friend, I can always use another one! :)
I'll leave you with this:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths strait." Proverbs 3:5-6
Know that He has a plan for you, and that all you experience in your life may simply be so you can help another. Believe me.
God bless you, and know that God has blessed you with insight many others may never have the chance to recieve, you are a very special person!
With love,
Shanna
Hey Meg...first of all thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I'm planning to update soon and try to keep it updated more regularly. Anyway, I am glad for the fact that you are using your experiences to help others...I believe that is a main reason that some things happen to you is so that you can help others who are going through the same thing later on. On a bit lighter note, regarding boyfriends, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and friends of mine had boyfriends before that or were getting asked out on dates and such. But when I did have my first boyfriend...it was all worth waiting for. Sometimes our time is not God's time and he says 'not yet.' Things seem to make more sense once you are past them and can look back. Anyways, I'm glad to have met you and can't wait to chat with you more and get to know you better!
Hey Meg! I just got back from Thanksgiving break, and am still catching up on stuff, but I just wanted to say that I have always feared change...I just found out recently that my older siblings won't be coming home for Christmas, and since it's my absolute favorite time of year, I have been very disappointed. However, it's looking like it will be an amazing Christmas...filled with 'different' blessings.
Know that you're in my prayers, and I look forward to hearing more about your book...your experiences will be very valuable for others to hear.
God Bless!
Trudi
First of all, thanks about the title...I thought it fit perfectly and I love the song.
Okay, here's how you get friends:
1. After you sign into blogger and you see your 'dashboard' page, click on 'layout'.
2. This should take you to a page that says "add and arrange page elements". On the left hand side, click "add a page element" (above 'about me', blog archive, etc).
3. This should bring up a new window. On the right column, 2nd row it should say "Link List". Click "add to blog" underneath that.
4. Then where it says "Title" type 'Blogs'. Where it says "New Site URL" type the person's web address and where it says "New Site Name" type the person's name. Then click "Add Link".
5. Repeat this process for all the people's blogs you want to add.
6. When you are done adding everyone, then click "Save Changes" and that window will close.
7. On the first page, where the boxes are that say "about me", "blog archive", etc. there should be a new box that says "Link List". You can put your mouse on the box and move it to where you would like it to appear on your page.
8. Then click "save" and then view your blog to see if you like it!
Hope this helps and let me know if you have any problems!
Woohoo for December 18th! Coolest birthday ever! lol. Anyway, I'm glad I could make you feel better about not having a boyfriend yet. sometimes it's just nice to know that you are not the only one! And I've been thinking maybe I should apply that to friends too, that good friends will come around if you wait. And I really love the message board now and I can say that I'm overall happier than I've been in quite awhile. Anyways, this is probably getting kind of long...we'll just have to chat sometime soon!
Megan
I can relate to you soo much. I know how your feeling with the change in your life, beleieve me. Please keep those you love close to you. And Im sorry but your friend that was mad at you for something you couldn't help, doesn't seem like a real friend. I would think she should be more understanding with what you are going thorugh. I do hope you can find someone you can talk to and rely on through all of this, because it's too hard to go though it alone. I have no doubt your book will help many people maybe even myself. You will be in my prayers.
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