Just need to think....

So it's late. 1:25 am in the morning to be exact. I went and ate dinner with mom at the hospital 11:30 for her night shift. I usually stay up pretty late after eating with her cause I just cant eat then go to bed. Nope. So I thought I'd write on here for a bit then try to go get ready for bed and get some much needed sleep.

Today (now yesterday) I had lunch with a good friend of mine from CYT. Shawnie and I met for Mexican then went out for ice cream. It was so good to catch up. Shes one of those friends I tell everything to. She always has some kind of Bible verse or encouraging thing to tell me when I am talking to her about whats bothering me. Well anyway we talked about everything. We haven't seen each other since May so we were catching up on how each other's vacations were, latest news, etc. Well, its kinda funny. We were talking about guys and she asked me about any in my life after she filled me in on her most recent crush. I told her I was over the guy I had a crush on for the longest time. Just happy being single right now, and just waiting for God. She looked at me and said, "You know what? I can't really see you two together anyway..." She paused and I asked her what she meant. She told me she didn't think we made a good match. She just couldn't see us together and was happy that I was moving on. The rest of our conversation, some of the stuff we talked about really made me stop and think about some stuff. Like I said. A good day. The last bit of our day we spent laughing at CYT memories and all the crazy stuff that happened backstage. :-) I'll really miss all my friends when I leave...... But its God will I really believe. Its kinda weird. When I am really stressed I have weird dreams/ night mares. So that is one reason why I am stalling. Been having all kinda of freaky dreams. When I was really struggling with some emotional stuff back in 2006 that is what finally broke me. When I finally would go to sleep all I could dream about was everything bothering me, so I always woke up upset with very little sleep. I just feel like I have more on my mind than I can handle (though I know its not true.) Seeing some of my CYT friends at a friends house made me realize everyone I will miss, and everything I will missing out on. The day I leave is now 10 days away. A week and a half pretty much. Its still sinking in. It all feels so surreal. Also with having a friend living with us temporally is kinda putting my parents on edge a little bit. So I'm getting that from them as well. This is he biggest change in my life to date. Its one thing when friends move away. But its me moving.... yeah. Lots to think about. Its a quarter till 2. I guess I should try to get some sleep.

Always,
Megan Renee

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore.

Ok...Last year I stayed home for my first year of college. Taking this step of faith is making my stomach churn. My mom said, "Honey, this is God's Will or it wouldn't of happened as fast as it did.For some reason you are meant to be there. You can relax about that. You're doing whats right." I have friends waiting for me in the Branson area and I have a friend whose brother lives in Springfield so his mom and him visit the area all the time. Also I know when friends come to Branson they can come to me or I can go to them. :) hehe!

I've been thinking about who I am and who I'm meant to be. I am very scared of what is going on. My world is turning upside down. I know that God is doing something but I can't quite put a finger on it. I know something is about to happen...I know what I'm feeling, but... I was trying to figure out what is going on and I was talking to my friends about it and they didn't understand what I was trying to explain. They just looked at me with a blank expression. I don't know. My head is spinning from everything. I am moving forward, yet but I feel like I'm being left behind. Its a weird feeling. Less then three weeks and I leave. I am trying to make sense of everything and nothing seems to make sense. Maybe in a few years it will. haha. I am looking back trying to decide whats coming next. It seems like when I am trying to decide what to do next I look back and make my decisions from previous lessons.This is a brand new game and unfamiliar territory so there is nothing to take this from. So I'm....Anxious....Or whatever you want to call it. Its like I'm all feelings and can't describe how I feel. Anyone understand the confussion?

Always,
Megan

When You Look Back....

Right now I am listening to my new favorite song. "One Life To Love"- 33 Mile...I heard it on the radio when I was driving home and I had a lot on my mind. I am moving to Springfield. I am really moving... It is just now starting to sink in. I have my "Inspirational" play list going. It has all of my feel good music on it. A little bit of everything. It was the one I had on blogger but it wasn't working properly so I took it off.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/2209846539

My song writing class from CYT used the message about Life Being In

Pieces & It's Only When You Look Back Do You See the Big Picture & It Was All Worth The Pain & Joy. That is where I am at. I fought different things in my life for so long and now I landed right where I thought I didn't want to be. Let me rewind and explain. I thought I wanted to be certain places and I fought against Baptist Bible College cause I didn't think that was what I wanted. Well I told God if plan A, plan B, and Plan C didn't work out...Then I would try Baptist Bible College. Guess what? None of them worked. Guess what did? BBC...Kinda feel like the dunder head of the century right now. However as time draws nearer I am more and more excited for it to get here. Yet I do admit that I am scared. I am moving 4 hours from home. When my sister left for PA I was heartbroken.My entire support system was gone. Well that was what happened when she left...But what about when I leave?What then?I do worry about my sister. However God has the best timing I know. See God has turned my 2009 year upside down. I now have my friend Sydney aka Bunny living with us due to different circumstances. Sydney was a friend of my friend Sara, and we became friends. She officially became a "St.Joe Hat" last year. She is a blast to have around. Her and Rachel get along really well too. Which I love knowing when I leave Rachel and Sydney will have each other to lean on. Sydney has pretty much been adopted into our family. After she is able to get out on our own, I know she will always have a special place in our hearts. Sydney and I were talking yesterday. If Rachel's boyfriend does anything to hurt her Sydney and I will be the mowers and he will be the awaiting grass. ha ha( got that one from Syd. I cracked up when she told me that.) I have my best friend from Mississippi visiting about a week and half and I can not wait for her and Syd to meet. I have not had a good long visit with CMT for a few years. We are long over due. So every night when I go to sleep and stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling I let my brain fill with all this stuff before finally drifting off.

"what will my room mate be like.","what will it be like living away from home.","will I like my classes","what will happen back home that I can't be there for and miss out on.","what if I'm needed back home and I can't get home."...You get the point. God has gotten me pretty far this year and I am quite amazed at His Hand at work.

When I told Sara, "This will be the year of change." I had no idea I would be so right. So much has happened in such a short time and so much has yet to happen.Hmm....I don't know. I am excited, nervous, anxious, worried,... and so on. Well my lil rant is done. Love ya.

Always, Megan

Life Is Like Photography.*edited*

"You devolope from the negitives." I love that quote. I got it from my friend Becca who is really in to photography. Well here is my Vacation in photographs then i have Big News to share! Though you all saw it on twitter! :) hehe!





Ok...I take that back...the uploading thing on blogger is not wanting to work..... I will try to upload some later.

I GOT ACEPTED TO BBC IN SPRINGFIELD!!!! YAY!!! Well I really need to get off. I have a lot to do today.

Life is like a rollercoaster.

When I first started the blog I used this title and I think it is befitting once again. My life has been up and down.Just when I thought it was leveling off it drops or sky rockets off unexpeccted. Tomorrow we are going to Six Flags so I'm sure that is one thing on my mind. :P lol!



Here's the scoop. I had my CT scan of my sinises and this morning my doc told me no surgery!YAY! That was a definite praise and answered prayer.Last thing I wanted was to spend my summer looking like frankestien's monster and not able to do anything! I would be on bed rest for the rest of the summer for like 6 weeks!ICK!!!! But no surgery! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOORAAAHHHHHHH!!!! YES!!!! OH YEAH! Can ya tell I'm excited over that fact? lol!



Ok.College. The two places I was looking at was Pensicola in Florida and Baptist Bible College in Springfield MO. Florida would like 16 hours from home and Springfield only 4 hours. Well after a lot fo praying and taking a lot of time to think about it I have decided on...drum roll please.......

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BAPTIST BIBLE COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am really looking forward to it! Now that I have put other things in my life in check college is falling into place. I am so excited! I talked to the Admins head and she said my application looked very promising and a very good chance I will be accpeted and be there this fall. I hope so. I do not..I repeat DO NOT! want to go to Mo West this fall. I am ready to move on. There wqas just something about Mo west I hated. It was a very humanistic veiw on the world and I hated it. Most of the professors mocked God and the ones with faith did not say anything exceppt a brief comment,byt made it known that was their beief and not pushing it. Odd but those who believed in everything I stand against had no problem shoving it down my throat and challenging everything I believe in. UGH! I can not go through another semester of it. Rae is going to just becauase she wants to do Physical Theapy with horses and no Christian college we have found yet offers that. So she's staying. But thats whatever. She tried going away to Pennsylvania and it didn't work the greatest. Oh well. I hope things work out for her at home as I try to move away somewhere else.

I do have more to write since I am currently on vacation`but I am very tired. I shouldn't be cause mhy body is on Central Time butnow we're on Eastern time. Oh well. I will write later. I haqve some great stories and some great rants. Sometimes people gereatly annoy me. Ok this one I am going ahead with cause it is short even though I can make it very long very easily.

Today at Six Flags we were there for the flag rasing and playing fo the national anthem. We saw group of people who stood there with dumb expressions on their faces like 'what are suppose to do? this is lame.' They stood there shuffling there feet,texting, and trying to talk between themselves without being too loud or obnoxious. Though they hardly succeeded. Plus they didn't put their hand over their heart pr remove their hats. Even the employees of Six Flags did not do much. They stood there quietly but that was it. They stood there not removing hats or hand over the heart. After the Anthem had played and they opened the gates I heard my father ( military of 20 some odd years) muter away about his irretadedness at such dumb disrespectful people. I had to agree. One group standing next to us who were around my age, I wanted to reach over and pull their hats off their head and slapped them with it and tell them to stand up and pay attention and show respect! UGH!!!!!!! Ok..my short rant is lengthing greatly. lol!I apologize for the typos. I am not even trying to fix them....Too tired. ha! Enjoy. God bless and take care everyone!

Always Megan Renee!

It's late and my mind is too full to sleep.

It's 11:30 at night.On a Saturday no less.Church in the morning.However my mind is rushing at 90 mph and I can't sleep.I was so sure of life a few months ago and now I'm sure that I am not sure about anything. I know a few things in my life are solid and will remain so.However, today Rae made a crack comment about me being in a bad mood all week. I didn't think I had been. In fact I thought I've been a in a fairly good mood with seeing Shawnie on Tuesday and Beth, and other CYTers last night at Beth birthday party.But dad actually agreed with her. Said no so much bad mood but depressed. I know I have a lot on my mind right now with college but I've actually been pretty happy this last week. So I don't know. I've been working out and being a bit of hermit when not at work or with friends. I want thinking and praying time. I have some major decisions on my plate and am clueless as what to do with them.

I can be fairly certain of what is plaguing me so badly. Partly fear. Not of the future but certainty of it I guess. I thought what I knew to be true and it was wrong in some ways. I want to make sure I making the right decisions. I feel my heart being lead in a direction no expected or really likes the thought of.My mom told me she wouldn't like it because of distance and stuff, but that she would support me. I just want to make sure this isn't my impulsive fool-hardiness. I am often ruled by what I am feeling at the moment. It often gets me in trouble. I can be logical but it takes restraint and prayer to figure out decisions. Yes I admit it.I am incredibly dumb and head strong and impatient. I thought for sure my life was going another direction. There was a small crack of openness, but I choose not to pry it open and move on.Now I have a decision between what would be perfectly ideal and what might be what would be best for me. I know I am making very little sense right now. I thought the 1st college would be the best alternative since plan A didn't work out. I automatically said, "Wow!That would work perfectly! That would make everything fall into place and just be excellent!" Now I gave it more thought I'm not so sure. My second current choice would be a huge difference for me and much further away. It would be very hard and stretch me a lot as person to be on my own like that. Just cause I want to go there doesn't mean it'll happen. Already found that one out.I thought once things started falling in place they'd be a tiny bit easier but now I'm more confused then ever. This coming week I have a ton of phone calls to make and a desperate attempt to sort this all out. I want everything sent in and done before I go on vacation to see my brother June 1st. I just wish I could get a clear sign here. Oh well
Megan

I Love God. :)

That simple.God is too cool. If this makes no sense this being wrote late at night.

On Tuesday I spent the day with my old youth directors Josh and Amy.Josh works nights so he sleeps most of the day.So Amy and I watched movies and hung out.After Josh got up,the three of us talked for quite some time. They helped with a lot! I realized if I did not get stuff squared away with Rachel over other stuff and that was a core problem. I still had problems with Chuck's past but my core problem was Rachel. When I saw Chuck and Rachel on Wednesday the three of us sat and talked. I told Chuck that my main problem, was everything that happened while she was in Pennsylvania. Everything I needed her for, and she let me down by being gone. The ice storm, my plays, and other family issues. There was times I wondered what kind of family Rae would be coming home to. Rae, Chuck, and I talked for quite a bit. Chuck looked at me and let me know if I did move to Springfield, or with in a day drive, he would have her there as soon as he could. If I really needed her that badly. That meant more to me than anything. That helped my mood and my relationship with Rae, cause it helped open up conversation with the two of us. My being mad at Chuck had hindered their relationship even as friends. Cause they are not serious right now. Only friends, who really like each other. I guess Chuck has been struggling with stuff because my being mad at him, was hurting him so bad emtionally. Well Wednesday at Church I was able to talk with Pastor about my desire to have a drama ministries, and I am getting college worked out. Chuck also got family stuff work out Wednesday after church as well. Then tonight I lead the devotion for the Bible study. It went really well! God is amazing on how much stuff is falling into place and going incredible! It is too cool! I am in AWE of God right now.Too tired to write anymore.Have to come back and fix it later. Love you all.
Megan!

So Confused...

I had my final English project due yesterday, and Algebra final is tomorrow.Should be doing work for it but my brain hurts just thinking about it.LOL! Naw.I will do some here in a bit.I have my Psychology Final Friday, and Sociology on Monday.

So I am almost done with my semester at Missouri Western.As much as I love the Baptist Student Union people I have met, and got to hang out with old home school friends...I hate MO West. I am so miserable there. I was hoping and praying to be accepted this fall into College of the Ozarks. I actually heard from them last Thursday but haven't had time to sit and write this out. I am on the "waiting list". It means I could still get in,but I still may not.They are not making the actual list until Mid-May. Some people just smile and tell me, "God's timing." Some are telling me its God way of telling me to look else where.Then my parents are telling me to try again and try to get in for Spring of 2010 if I do not get in this fall. Me...I'm not sure of anything right now. All I know is I do not like here. Sometime I wonder if there is nothing wrong here and it's me in the wrong.I don't know. I thought I had everything figured out and now I don't know. I wake up some mornings just to cry. I do not know why I feel this way but I do. My sister and I kinda had it out yesterday. She told me she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me and apologize for having a life, cause I hold it against her. Maybe I do. She told me, "You're a pretty girl but you will never be beautiful until you get whatever God is dealing with you about, worked out. But quit making my life miserable as well!" *told ya we had it out.* There is only a few things I know I am good at right now. One, my writing and two, living in a mask. I thought I had whatever was dragging me down, beat. But I am fighting myself all over again. My Sunday school teacher asked if God wants me to give up some stuff. That includes my theatre. I don't know. Like I said. I don't know anything right now. I think I will not be happy till I'm away from here. Whatever it is I need to find, it isn't here. But at the same time I hear myself thinking that is your problem. You're just unhappy cause things are not going your way. I'm so confused about a lot right now.
Megan

Ok..A Lil Update.

Ok...I have been so swamped with school. These weeks are flying by. Can you believe that I only have 2 weeks of school left!?!?! WOW! All I know is I am ready for it to be done with.I am behind on math ,(BAD MEGAN!) but my other classes are doing well. The other classes are 2 B's and 1 A.I would love to say I am a straight A student but I am not.Also I get tired very easily of school. I love school but it is very draining for me because of the atmosphere and everything. I know I was pretty shut in to myself there for a while and I trudged through everything I did. including work and my boss noticed. EEP! But she told me to step up my game and things would be fine. That was a month ago and no more comments so I guess I am doing fine. As school is finished I am going to ask for more hours. I am working ver y little right now but i think it's probably best right now with school winding down and finals coming up.

Ok..The whole Rae and Chuck thing. I have a peace about it. I am letting her do her thing and I am officially stepping off the band wagon and my high horse. He told me his testimony and concerning certain people I wonder if it is all the truth bit he swares it is. Not saying he is a liar, just maybe exaggerating it a little. but I wasn't there when these events took place so I have no idea and am letting it go. I'm following the wise words of the lyrics, "Let it be.." lol! Some of you will get that. haha. ;) However this whole cute thing is...well...yeah... I mean if it was me I know I would be going ,"AWW!! HOW CUTE!!! HOW SWEET!!!!" Never thought I'd be one to say this but, this too much sweetness is making me sick. I mean they texted for 30 mins before class today. All the while him counting down till he saw her again and other mushy stuff.*rolleyes* He texts her every morning before he goes to bed from the night shift, "good morning beautiful" Totally sweet but ...idk...makes me roll my eyes. lol! Today we were at the Baptist Student Union building for lunch and Rae was telling our friends there about this guy she's been hanging out with and I interrupted, "Dating.." Sarah aka Bwana laughed, "I just love how Megan just flat out says it and gets to the chase." One thing I will greatly miss about MoWest is Wednesday BSU days. I love that place and Wednesdays are the highlight of my week. Next week is the last week for Wednesday lunch before it shuts down for the semester cause after that we get into finals week.*sigh* Well I'm gone. Love you guys!
Megan

Long time no chat!

Hey guys! Sorry for keeping you hanging on a lot of stuff. 1-Been pretty busy,2-been having problems with blogger.As you can see I changed my layout cause my site didn't like pyzam layouts for some reason right now.So it's a new one. :) I like it.3-haven't really felt like typing stuff up.I've been spending so much time typing stuff up for school if I am typing on the computer for fun it's to chat with people on how stuff is going. I am so behind on everything! Ugh!



On facebook there are tons of pix of Haygoods in St.Joesph.It was pretty much the 2008 show with 2 slight changes.After Bridge Over Troubled Water they did an encore with I'm A Believer and Temptations melody they changed the song at the end.Other than that it was the same as last years show.Still wonderful as possible ofcourse! lol!



Ok.Last weekend I had my interveiw with college of the Ozarks. I think it went pretty well. They asked tons of questions about me,my family,beliefs,hobbies, and goals for life.The interveiw took about a half-an-hour. I am so excited to hear back from them.Although I didn't realize my Fafsa for this year was yet to be turned in so I got that done after I got home and am waiting for the online people to process it so i can e-mail it to CofO.Although since I put them on the Fafsa it might be automatically sent to them electronically.I'll have to check.In a few weeks I will be back in Branson the 10th-13th.YAY!!!!Can't believe that it is already Feb. well I am gonna scattle.I'll write more later.Love you all!

Dancing With God...

I know I have been putting off some post for the girls devotion book I am wanting to work on, and I think its time I got back to it.This past summer I went to Footloose camp and at the weekly dance for camp there was 3 or 4 girls to every guy.So the better dancers were the ones who ended up getting asked to dance.I,however was not one of them.I stood in the middle of the dance floor swaying to the music by myself and just with my girls.I learned that night about 'Dancing With God' and letting Him set the music for me and He will lead my steps.

This week I found out one of my friends is getting married and two other are pregnant.I seem to be the one getting left behind in the dust in the relationship department.I know I talked an awful lot about guys last year and potentially dating soon,but it fell through cause it wasn't God's time yet. Now my heart is telling me to follow God but,my head is telling me there is something wrong with me.I was talking to one of my Sunday school teachers and she said,"You shouldn't be asking what's wrong with you,but what's right.It just means you are waiting on God..."

That has been rolling around in my head for the past few months.Then a few weeks ago I went to a lock-in for CYT.Michael was there but the most we said to each other was "hi..." That night Stephanie & I were put in charge of the high school girls devotion.Stephanie & I literally had 20 minutes to prepare before the lock-in started.Steph was not happy about doing highschool girls.She wanted middle school.I was okay with it,but her only being a sophomore I could understand her hesitance.We felt like the devo was a flop.As the girls exited the room we were in Steph whispered to me,"I need to talk to you.".So While everyone went back to the main hall for worship time we sat down on a couch to talk.We sat and talked for a good half-an-hour when the girls came back in.Unaware we were to do a second devo after worship time.So we shared some of the stuff that we talked about and encouraged the girls to talk more about stuff God had brought them through. It was a great 2nd devo. I felt so blessed to hear how our Mighty God has worked so much in such different peoples lives.That night I sat with three of my other friends and we talked about life,God,faith,guys, everything above from 2 am to 6 am untill it was time to clean up and leave. I left there feeling renewed and ready to take on the world.

It's amazing how in one week of school I feel all that being worn down. God has no place in college or so people would like you to think.That is one reason why I am so ready to leave MO West and go somewhere, that will help increase my faith.

God has been dealing with me over the whole career choice thing.I have been saying psychology and helping troubled girls.But...God is taking me down a different path.He is working on me about being a Social Worker,but looking at being one from the Christian perspective. Working in Christian houses for trouble girls. Alot of people are warning about the risk invovled and how hard of a job it is.I know it is and that is why I am so weary of deciding it but God is putting that desire in there for me and is showing me I have the strength through His to with-stand everything that is coming my way.Through everything that has happened in my life God was preparing my heart for something bigger and better.I understand that now. It makes me think of the song that my CYT class wrote this past fall.Don't think I ever shared that with you so here are the lyrics to it.I am working on having it copied to my computer so I can put it up on YouTube for everyone to hear.It truly is a beautiful song.I wish we could find a way to record it and put on the radio.I believe it would be a popular song.Course I am totally biased. It has been a long week and it's pushing midnight.So I leave you with the song "In Pieces."

In Pieces

She sits on the carpet, box in her hand, searching for pieces of blue

She survey’s the picture but tears blur her vision she doesn’t know what to do She feels like her puzzle, scattered and jumbled, she’d start if only she knew

(CHORUS)In pieces, our life comes in pieces, making the picture of who we are It completes us when we find our meaning, knowing our portrait was painted with love,It’s just in pieces

He stands at the doorway, heart in hand, longing to find a home

The places for pieces are heart-shaped but mismatched, he senses he won’t belong

He feels like a puzzle scattered and jumbled, he’d start if only he knew

He’d rest in those places where hearts were embraced; the time was long over due

(CHORUS)In pieces, our life comes in pieces, making the picture of who we areIt completes us when we find our meaning, knowing our portrait was painted with love,It all starts to make sense when it is done, It’s just in pieces

We’re putting our lives together, piece by piece, one after the other

Life is a puzzle, scattered and jumbled, It takes one piece to start

(CHORUS)In pieces, our life comes in pieces, making the picture of who we are It completes us when we find our meaning, knowing our portrait was painted with love,In pieces, our life comes in pieces, making the picture of who we areIt completes us when we find our meaning, knowing our portrait was painted with love,It all starts to make sense when it is done, we will look back and smile at who we’ve become...

It was in pieces

Always,

Megan Renee Higginbotham